Just stop.

So it has been over a month without a rant of sorts.

The world is a volatile place.
Serious filth.

So you will tell me, tell us something new.
I watched Branded a witch on BBC 3 which was recommended after that watched The world’s most dangerous place for women.

It was all a bit much.
I was left wanting to punch people.
I got stubby.
Seriously.
I think I have a problem.

Branded a Witch was a documentary highlighting what many children go through in Congo and in the United Kingdom.
A few African cultures believe children get possessed and commit horrendous crimes if not stopped.
Signs of possession/ witchcraft are bed wetting and rude behavior, only to mention a few.
“Pastors” of churches are told by “God” and led by the “Holy spirit” to seek out these children, who are then beaten, abused and thrown onto the streets.
Children as young as 6 set alight.
Children as young as 5 starved and beaten.

I find it difficult to have grace in situations like that.
I find it hard to understand how “God” can be manipulated and therefore becomes a catalyst for such shit in the world!
How can I be calm when my heart aches whenever I see such injustice.
I wonder is it wrong for me to get so angry I want to inflict pain on those people. Probably.
I struggle with this because I should show grace but have a heart for injustice.
I find myself wondering if I have to reach a certain level of holiness where my instant reactions are those of grace and love, not just hatred and anger.

Don’t get me wrong I do not live in a bubble and use the think of the starving African child every time I face trouble. I just struggle with the utter nonsense the human race justifies as God.

Take responsibility for your actions.
What do we do?
I selfishly need to air things out and hope someone helps me along with a solution.
I am not the next Princess D nor the next Mother Theresa.
I don’t have power or influence.

So obviously the documentary made me angry.
What made me more angry was the excuses.
Stop using God as an excuse.
Simple.

Rant over….

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A funny five minutes.

And with every breath, i drew a hallelujah.

Pretty sure, i got those lyrics wrong so let us say i am paraphrasing.

Call it artistic license in this case.

I want my every breath to draw a hallelujah.
I want the out working of that breath to be manifested through love, kindness,understand, self control, humility and patience.

Some of these come a lot easier than others.
I have been having that self involved why me the world sucks and i need to find a corner and cry it out mess week.

It has been my funny five minutes.
So, it was definitely more than five.

The most amazing thing is with every breath i draw a hallelujah.
It is not by my might or willingness, if i am honest, that i have been loving when all i really wanted to say is just leave me be.
I wouldn’t have had the patience to sit through a lot of this week. I did sit through and oh my word i have heard the most incredible stories by some absolutely wonderful people.

My default mode, here is hoping i am not the only one, is to run, recoil, gin, wine, men, class A substances.

These are general things that happen when you cannot take it anymore.

I have been plagued with self doubt, worthlessness and past hurts trying to place themselves back in my life.

Some things are harder when you don’t have complete control of your mind

First world problem maybe??

This does not make it less significant.

I am in a constant battle in my mind.
I am completely neurotic…. this is probably why i share my every thought with the world.
Well this small world that reads my ramblings.

To put it simply i have mentally had an uncertain week.
It has been hectic for lack of a better word.
I have wanted to throw things and slam doors.
I wept.
[ Jesus wept… so i definitely can, he gets it ]

Thankfully with every breath i drew a hallelujah.
The same breath of the resurrection is the same in me.

My week has been made easier.
Seriously.

The temporary satisfaction of my default mode is greatly outweighed by love.

No gin, wine or class A substances were consumed in the writing of this.
I just really like sharing. Call it therapy.

I also baked.
So this is therapy part two.

What next.

So this has only taken nearly five months to figure out.
I was challenged by the documentary Beware of Christians, many other “life moments” and general opinion.

What next.
Possible options.

Run.
Just run.
Problem life will catch up with you.

Do something. Do everything.
You end up doing everything and getting no where.
I have been here a lot my friends.

Do nothing.
Self explanatory.
Been here a lot too.
More than i would like to admit.

Just DO.
Ok so it seems somewhat a cop out to say just do.
But it really is that simple.
It is way harder and a lot more scary.
It is living with “intent” with purpose.
Intent… a word that haunted me for a while.
I am intentionally pursuing [insert Christian cliche]
If we are, when i say we…
It is usually desirable gentleman.

So the nitty gritty part.
I am living with intent.
[Sounds like an ailment]
Like the woman who intentionally pursued Jesus throughout a crowd just to touch his cloth.
She got things done.

I never thought i would be this person, i think sometimes we get swept up in the hype and forget to do.
We are faced with things that bring us to tears and break our hearts but choose to sit idly by hoping someone with a bigger voice and more laid out plans has got it covered.

It is a definite comic relief moment.
Oh look at the starving, sick child.
Oh my heart breaks.
Oh oh… what’s that, supper is ready?
Ok

Don’t get me wrong pretty sure a lot of why i watched was to see if Jessie J looked good bald.
She does.
But i want to be broken to a point where i can’t help but do.

I am intentionally being broken.
I am intentionally being honest.
I am intentionally pursuing.
I am intentionally being the change.
I am intentionally baking more….

So now that we are in the now… where has all this “intent” got me.

I haven’t seen like a million people healed and been to Africa and been like woah…. this is awesome.

However i have learnt to love myself a little bit more and realised i am more than ok.

I have had more people around my dinner table

I have made some incredible new friends.

Pretty sure i am smiling more.

I have asked a lot of strangers how they are. Try it. People are willing to talk if you give them the option.

I have made good cake. Like seriously good cake.

All i did was jump in and just do.
I still have moments of is this enough? Am i enough?
General self involved why me the world is cruel people are dieing this is dramatic moment.
Get over it.

I am a Christian. I am sorry.

I fail.

There are no other words to express this.

A few challenging things happened.

I watched the following.

Beware of Christians. The movie/documentary.

I want to change my body. Documentary on BBC 3

So Beware of Christians. Simply four college boys go around Europe and get a new found perspective on Christ and church.

It is not the heaviest of movies but it left me challenged.

One of the reviews said this.

“The weak link in Christianity, for me, has never been Christ — it’s been Christians.”

This blew my mind. It is so simple.

The only difference between me and you honestly, is i am busy on a Sunday and pretend to have some sort of higher ground when things go wrong. I tell you how my God saves. How i don’t need to put up any argument for him because he is big and awesome. I claim to live a life that will show you of his endless love and justice.

I tell you a lot. But what do i show you?

So i am a Christian. Should i shout out at any given opportunity so you can hear how good God is or should i show you how good he is by loving you in every situation.

So i am a Christian. Should i stop drinking and smoking to show you how perfect i am. How i get it right and you don’t?

I get it so so wrong everyday.

So what do you do when you have a moment of clarity and realise that shit… what have i been doing? What next?

See this is how i process things.

Put it out there.

I can’t say that tomorrow or next week i will be spitting bars from Psalms or getting down with Miriam.

I am absolutely flawed.

I watched I want to change my body and my soul cried out in pain.

Like seriously. Shit got real.

Pardon my language.

I want to change everything about me.

My nose.

My hair.

My complexion.

My weight.

The spacing between my eyes.

Everything.

I am a christian. I am sorry. I fail and i am flawed.

The world has these ridiculous standards of beauty that i will never reach. Well not without drastic measures. I have thought about this a lot. A couple of thousand pounds and all will be well. Right?

The programme highlights what everyone thinks. I want a full head of hair. A better nose. Bigger breasts. A better body. Will it make me happy. Yes is the answer in most.

For some people this change is vital in the way the will feel.

Personally, I want to change because i would like to fit in with my skinny beautiful friends. To feel desired. To be more. Reasons which are now evident that they are utterly pathetic. First world problem. I will be happy for a while but then what next do i change to conform or to be better.

So here comes the blow. If my body is a temple and i am made in the image and likeness of God.

What next.

I am not condoning self hate or loathing in the slightest. I am saying so we all struggle what next.

You might read all this and not give two… shhhh

You get the jist.

So this is my public apology.

I am sorry i tell you how beautiful you are and how much you should love yourself when i go to my room close the door and think of all the ways i could change myself.

I am sorry i am a hypocrite.

I am sorry i am only busy on a Sunday.

I am sorry that christians look at you and judge you instead of opening their arms and loving you.

I am sorry that i have taken something so simple and mixed it up with religion.

So what do we get wrong?

How can we change it?

I don’t know.

So i rant and i rave and still get no where.

This is not a “I have completely changed and i will not worry about my self image or i am going to get on my soap box and go onto market street.”

This is a a what next. What happens when you have been utterly mind blown and forced to look inwardly about your actions and your identity. What next.

Check it

Jeez louise.

New music excites me a lot.

I found this band through a friend, sol the beat boxer rapper of the band.

Sounds of Harlowe are a force to be reckoned with.

There female lead has one of the sickest voices i have heard in a long time.

She is incredible.

There music and sound simply genius.

It is bluesy jazzy funky soulful and yet uterlly grimey.

I can not express how much you need to get involved with them.

http://www.facebook.com/Sounds.of.Harlowe

A cheeky little listen

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10150668248298500

 

Madness

I am always a fan of things that commentate on on society.

From music to art, satire wins.

It is dealing with serious issues in a way that is seen as accessible to the masses.

Before frankie said relax, Katharine Hamnett said something.

Before Justin Beiber was every paps’ dream, REAL photographers told this story.

I give you Nan Goldin

This is a gentle build up to today’s hype.

Plan B is back and grimey.

I appreciate this a lot.

Get involved